What Happened

My earliest memory of sex I was in elementary school. My siblings and I went to the babysitters before and after school. One of her sons, that was  few years older than me, would force me to have sex with him. I don't remember if it was just oral or what, but somewhere along the way I started to enjoy it. I still have issues with him and never confronted him about what he did. I often wondered if this had not happened, what kind of life would I have. Would I be straight, married with 3.5 kids and a white picked fence? Who knows.

My entire life as an adolescent, teenager and adult life has revolved around sex. Either from messing around with friends, hanging in seedy bathrooms, bathhouses, adult bookstores, truck stops and somehow trying to live a secret life, with family, work and friends. I have so many memories of hanging out in a mall bathrooms, having sex, or pretty much giving oral to whoever wanted it. Just looking for something, but not sure what I was looking for. Ahh the days of gloryholes. Luckily I never got in any trouble.

Funny part is when I travel now, I still look for places with gloryholes. I have an image problem with myself, though I usually have no problem picking someone up.

I am in a relationship now. Have been for the last 8 years. Have found out that he has cheated on me a few times. I blow up and kick him out, but the strange part is I do that same thing. (Just haven't been caught) So why get mad at him? I don't know. I'm not cheating just for the sex, guess I'm just looking for something, but not sure what.

There have been a few relationships I had that were made of dreams, but somehow I was not happy. Then of course the ones I highly desire just want to play games. I dated this well endowed European, that would give me the world, nicest person I have ever met. Socially, personality, he was a great guy? Somehow I messed that up by having sex with one of his friends. Why? I don't know? I wasn't being slick, but went out and did it. It wasn't just the sex, but I just wanted to do it. Best relationship I ever had, was done.